Wendy Allen Ph.D. MFT

The unfortunate answer is a resounding yes. Why would this be? An affair is not always about the sex. It can be about taking attraction too far. I tell my clients, it’s normal to be attracted to other people. Just bring that feeling home and use it with your partner! Or let it pass through you as all feelings do. Feelings come and they go. Affairs can happen because they offer something different. None of us want more of the same or to get in a rut in any part of our lives. Stepping out of a marriage is not the only option for this. The Buddhists say that if you get bored with something or someone, put even more of your attention on it. It will become more intriguing to you. This can work in any area of our lives. An affair offers a high-stakes self-esteem bump that the Betraying Spouse doesn’t know how to get in a less destructive way. If you think about it, there are so many other options to experience something self-validating, thrilling and different. Parachute out of an airplane! Go scuba diving! An affair is often kept in a compartmentalized part of ourselves that helps keep us from feeling too guilty about it. While compartmentalization can be an asset at work, it is a terrible practice in relationship. We use it to lie, behave badly, and keep our partner at a distance with all our secrets. Affairs are ultimately about self-gratification.in the worst of grandiose and narcissistic ways. This has nothing to do with being a whole, authentic Functional Adult. The damage to the soul of the Betraying Partner is equal the injuries the affair inflicts on their spouse and family. The Betraying Spouse must learn serious skills in order to be mindful and present and transparent. We must develop skills to tolerate and learn from our own and our partner’s painful feelings. Transparency, taking accountability, and having empathy for their injured and enraged partner comes next. This is hard work yet it can be done by most of us and often lead to a happier and more intimate ending.

I coach couples using the Relational Living Training (RLT). This is a “rigorous” and “common sense” approach for both men and women that is both profound and pragmatic. I coach my couples to live an authentic intimacy, within themselves and within the relationship. I teach the individuals to grow and heal from past ruptures and trauma to present-day healed people who earn and give respect to each other. Self-esteem and healthy boundaries are the building blocks for growth. I have many behavioral and cognitive skills to teach this. I also coach each partner about how to recognize when they are reacting from their Child perceptions and how to shift and live in our Functional Adult. When both partners practice this with each other, they are at the beginning of relational maturity and resilience.

1. I take the first two-hour session and give each of you a full hour to tell me your perspective. 2. I may ask questions. 3. I will not let your partner interrupt. 4. The next session is when I give you feedback and talk about what I really think is going on and the patterns that have kept you stuck. 5. I will tell you my treatment plan

At first I wasn’t so sure about virtual therapy. I have done face-to-face therapy with couples and individuals for over 30 years. I could catch a fleeting look, or a glance couples gave to each. .My intuition had been honed exquisitely and I used it to name what wasn’t being said by a client. Could I be that kind of therapist on-line? At first it was hard.and awkward. I had to ask many more questions about things I could have naturally picked up in person. What are feeling right now? Put words to that expression that flickered over your face right now. Let’s make sure we’re on the same page.. I had to stop making assumptions and develop a very direct and clear way to understand what was going on at any single moment. Then it got easier. Because it had to. This was my only vehicle to help people. Some how all these direct questions for clarity just became part of our therapeutic relationship. My intuition transitioned, somehow, to the remote therapy. Now, I love to do my work virtually. My clients love it, too. No more commutes. No more rushing! I love meeting their adorable kids (who interrupt our privacy all the time). I love meeting their pets and seeing their homes. I gather a lot of information about my clients from their personal environment in a very warm way. Many of my clients have relaxed so much that we start the session with them sprawled on their couches or taking their first sip of morning coffee. I get to see them organically and this adds to the work. If we never went back to office visits, I will be o.k. with that. The work is just as successful on line as it is in person.

The difference of these three labels are mostly in licensure and education. A psychologist must have a Ph.D in clinical psychology and take a different exam for licensure than the other two. Psychologist often work in specific hospital or clinical settings with specific populations that don’t include the counseling process. Here is where things get tricky: Psychotherapy and counseling can be used interchangeably, even though the licensures and educational degrees are not always the same. Those with a purely counseling degree cannot call themselves psychotherapists, while psychotherapists can and do call themselves counselors. How to find out what’s best for you? Do some research on the counselors and psychotherapists referrals you have been given. Pay attention to how many years they have been in practice, what populations they serve, and what mode of therapy they use for the issues you have, Beware of a therapist who has a long list of specialties. No one can be an expert in so many things! The rigorous training, education, and experience of a seasoned therapist implies that they have a few main specialties and can do good and helpful counseling to many kinds of people. I have been doing therapy for over 30 years. I have a Ph.D and an MFT. This makes me a psychotherapist. I specialize in marriage therapy and affair recovery using the Relational Living Training method. I also do EMDR for trauma. Of course I also work with individuals who have a variety of issues, including depression and anxiety. After 30+ years of fascinating, wonderful people have come into my office and I have worked with almost everything. This is to be expected with my years of experience and licensure.